Flamingoes or Flamingos?
by Charshi
Summary: Request. 'something that has to do with neon pink flamingoes and a birthday hat.' DoumekiWatanuki. Warnings: some cursing is involved. and this is pure crack.


"Orange," Watanuki muttered. 

"Hm." Doumeki's eyes flickered toward him, the first telltale signs of confusion in an (otherwise) stoic idiot.

"You have completely ruined orange for me forever, you idiot. And on my birthday, too."

"How?" Doumeki's eyebrow quirked ever-so-slightly to go with his bland, but still questioning (in that weird way, the way it changed pitch just slightly at the end and _Watanuki has not known the idiot long enough to notice that, no he hasn't_) tone.

"HOW CAN YOU NOT NOTICE?! YOUR PEN." Watanuki made an impressive 'Dx' expression and flailed in his face. Doumeki merely stuck one finger in his ear and stared, blatantly, writing on the notepad with the other.

"We're in a temple, keep your voice down," he replied. The other boy quieted, glancing around the corner of the temple they'd been sitting in, then looking to the floor, temporarily humbled. The slight scratch of pen against paper stopped suddenly, and Watanuki looked up in Doumeki's direction.

And then flailed at whatever Doumeki had drawn and was currently holding a scant centimeter from his face. "AUUUGH! WHAT IS THAT?! IS THAT A MONSTER?! WHY DID YOU DRAW A MONSTER ARE YOU TRYING TO GIVE ME A HEART ATTACK--"

"It's you," he replied, and if Watanuki knew the idiot better (which he didn't, not at all), he would have said that Doumeki was looking at him strangely. "Since I can't cook. I drew you a picture. ...For your birthday."

Watanuki stared at the deformed blob and wondered how Doumeki managed in art class.

Definitely a color ruined for him forever.

But, he had to admit, it was oddly touching, in a way.

Like how a friendly wolf might drag a bloodied, half-dead animal into your house to share its meal with you.

"...Idiot," Doumeki added, making Watanuki forget all about wolves, and bristle angrily in his general direction ('IS THAT ALL YOU HAVE TO SAY FOR RUINING ONE OF MY FAVORITE COLORS'). "Just because I'm using an orange pen?"

"YES. Now see, orange is a great color. Why couldn't you have used something brilliantly stupid, that I could make fun of, like pink?"

"Kunogi has my pink pen," Doumeki answered, scratching his nose with the finger he pulled out of his ear. "She borrowed it yesterday and she'll give it back on Monday."

Watanuki gaped. And then flailed once again, twirling away in his misery. _Himawari-chan borrowed a pen from Doumeki! A _pink_ pen! Doumeki just had to be so secure in his god-awful masculinity to completely ruin my freshly-hatched plan of blackmail... and using his powers for evil against me! The bastard! Doesn't he see how much that means to a sweet girl like Himawari-chan! Why is he so dumb!? It's all because of that damn flamingo that keeps pecking at his head! Making him slowly lose what little brain cells he has left--_

Watanuki turned back and gaped again at the flamingo.

The neon pink one.

That was wearing a birthday hat.

The flamingo gave him a baleful look and pecked Doumeki in the head again.

"Ow." Doumeki rubbed at his temple. "What is that?" He questioned no one in particular. Then looked up. "Is something poking me?"

"IT'S A FLAMINGO."

"A spirit flamingo," Doumeki corrected, still looking up as if he didn't see anything. "Is it menacing?"

"HOW ARE FLAMINGOS MENACING YOU STUPID BASTARD. Besides, it's wearing a birthday hat. And it can't be a spirit, we're at the temple. Maybe it's a moving sort of doll. ...Or something. It must be giving me my gift to watch you in pain for once--"

The flamingo made a noise as if blowing a birthday whistle, then jabbed at Doumeki right between the eyes.

"Ow."

"STOP DOING THAT YOU STUPID BIRD!"

"Didn't you just say you wanted to see it hurt me?"

"Well--! WELL I'LL GET HOUNDED BY SPIRITS ON THE WAY HOME, STUPID. EVEN THOUGH WATCHING YOU BLEED TO DEATH IS TEMPTING I'D RATHER WALK HOME WITH YOUR STUPID PRESENCE. Feel gratified, you stupid idiot, for the great Watanuki-sama pities your stupid self in all of your stupidly glorious stupidity."

"You seem to like using stupid today."

"SHUT UP."

"Idiot."

"YOU'RE the idiot! Just sitting there and it's--"

JAB.

"That really hurts."

"For god's sake--" Watanuki swiped at the bird's beak. The flamingo made an indignant honking noise and swept upward, flapping its wings and kicking the teen in the back of the head.

...Successfully crashing him into Doumeki and toppling them both over onto the grass. Watanuki squawked attractively and squirmed on top of the archer, who grabbed him a bit suddenly when their hips bumped together, letting out a sharp, unexpected exhale of surprise. (with no change in expression, of course, that's our Doumeki-kun.)

"Don't move like that."

"WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT THAT THING JUST MADE ME CRASH INTO YOU AND THIS IS A REALLY AWKWARD POSITION SHOULDN'T WE GET UP NOW LET ME GO!! OH MY GOD YOU JUST WANT TO MOLEST ME DON'T YOU. AND ON MY BIRTHDAY TOO. I DON'T WANT TO LOSE MY VIRGINITY FOR MY BIRTHDAY. YOU'RE A SERIAL BIRTHDAY RAPIST AREN'T YOU--"

"It's a good thing no one's around or this would be the part where I said 'everyone's looking at you.'"

"THAT'S NOT THE POINT HERE." Watanuki squirmed some more and Doumeki made a weird, almost inaudibly strangled noise in the back of his throat.

"Stop that."

"I'M GOING TO KILL THAT FLAMINGO IF THAT'S THE LAST THING I DO." He flailed some more, pushing at the other boy's chest. "Let me up already-- I'm gonna kill that stupid flambuoyantly PINK flaming--"

"Kimihiro."

Watanuki shut up.

"If you're not going to stop moving like that, I'm not going to let you get up. For a long time. Possibly ever."

The shorter teen stopped moving enough to catch a glimpse of Doumeki's eyes boring holes into him.

And then understood.

"Oh," he said, in a very small voice, and, uncomfortably, wriggled a bit more under the burning gaze.

Swiftly, Doumeki reached upwards, slid one hand around the back of his head, and pulled him down.

---

The flamingo wandered back to whence it came, the orange pen Doumeki had been using in its beak. It made another strange honking noise as it laid the pen into a pale hand and disappeared.

"Ah... this can be payment." She turned the pen over in her hands. "I do quite like orange. And it's gel!" Laughter bubbled from the witch's throat, and she clapped her hands together. "From a pink flamingo, this is a rare treat."

Then Yuuko smiled.

"Happy Birthday, Watanuki-kun."

---

"...Oi."

"WHAT."

"Make me shrimp tomorrow."

"YOU DON'T _ASK FOR FOOD AFTER UNPLANNED AND AWKWARD SEX_ YOU ASSHOLE. AND CERTAINLY NOT A FOOD FLAMINGOS EAT! WHAT KIND OF INCONSIDERATE MORON ASKS FOR THE KIND OF FOOD THE BIRD THAT PUT US IN THIS SITUATION EATS. WHAT THE HELL ARE WE GOING TO DO NOW. THIS FANFIC DOESN'T EVEN HAVE HALF THE AMOUNT OF CRACK FOR A SEQUEL AND IT DIDN'T EVEN DESCRIBE THE AWFUL, AWFUL EVENT--"

"Too loud..."

---

"So, Doumeki-kun, did you like what I got Watanuki-kun for his birthday?"

"Hn."

"...YOU DID _WHAT_."


End file.
